Fatherhood

"mazda616" (mazda616) 09/26/2015 at 18:16 • Filed to: Fatherhood

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What say you, dads of Oppo?

My wife and I have been married for three years now. She really wants a child. In a way, I do too. But. I am terrified. Literally. Terrified.

We thought she might be pregnant a few weeks ago (missed a pill) and I had a literal anxiety attack. It was bad.

Thing is, I don’t know why the thought of it scares me so much. I feel abnormal. I feel weird. I feel like a bad husband.

For one thing, I feel like I’d be a bad dad. My dad was a druggie and a drunk and killed himself in a drunk driving crash when I was 2. My stepdad was physically and mentally abusive to my mom and I throughout my childhood. My mom passed away when I was 11. So, my family is crazy. Always has been. On both sides. Not clinical diagnosis crazy. Just rampant alcoholism crazy.

I also have anxiety. Generalized anxiety disorder is a technical term for it. In layman’s terms, I am anxious a lot, and often about nothing. Some days are better than others. I’m seeking counseling for that through my church, which is helping (anything negative you have to say about religion please take it elsewhere just this once). I also have low to no self-esteem. I am my number one critic and my temperament leads me to constantly criticize myself. That’s probably why I think I’d be such a bad dad despite literally everyone I know telling me the opposite.

I am not a mechanical person. I like very little sports. Cars are my only real interest. I’m afraid I’d have trouble showing my boy how to be a man. Because I often don’t feel like a man myself. I don’t understand emotions. I was raised in an environment where you weren’t allowed to show emotions, or talk about anything deeper than the weather. So, I'd be a bad support for a little girl, too. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. Sorry if I’m boring you, that’s not my intention. Not by any means.

I guess my question is, did any of you Oppo dads have thoughts like this? Are they different now? Why or why not? Any advice? I’m 26 and my wife is 25 and we are financially stable now (especially with my upcoming raise). It’s time, and I know that. But it scares me to death.

My wife even said I could have the new Mazda6 I’ve been drooling over if I agree to start trying to have a child. We have zero debt besides our home. Not that a car would be the reason I’d start trying. No. But I have to admit, a rear facing car-seat in my 3’s tiny back seat would be interesting.

Photo because pretty.

CB > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:21

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I have an anxiety disorder too, so I sympathize with how you feel on some things.

Thing is, you say you don’t think you’ll be a good dad because you’ll have trouble showing him how to be a man. And that’s wrong. Being a man isn’t about sports or cars or computers or whatever bullshit. Being a man, in my opinion, is more about personality: how to care for others. Having honour, work ethic, keeping your word. All that bullshit. So when it comes to that, I don’t think you’ll have trouble showing a son (or daughter) how to be a good person.

HammerheadFistpunch > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:31

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Firstly, I don’t think your parents behavior defines you as a parent...or at least it doesn’t pigeon hole you into being something you don’t want to be. Second, having kids can be super stressful, and I also have anxiety about stuff, though it sounds like to a much milder degree than you. That being said, my 2 little girls are the highlight of my life. My wife actually had a hard time of being a mom since she had her own career and hobbies that she can’t do and be around the kids at the same time. She gave that up and although it really pained her and even though our 2 year still puts her in tears for being a terror she would tell you that its totally worth it. We miss not being able to travel on a whim, and we hate being sick pretty much all year (seriously, ALL winter and spring) but their joys become your joys...and they have a lot of joy.

Sure it makes me nervous, because you can’t really go back and all, but to me is the best thing there is.

OPPOsaurus WRX > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:38

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Sorry to laugh about it but lol @ being terrified at having a child. I would say anyone who is not terrified is the one that’s fucked up. You’re father messed up so you have a pretty good idea of what not to do. I don’t do sport s. Yoy don’t have to do sports to be a man. There’s much more to it like sup porting a family for instance providing a home live and food. Get your anxiety in check. Having a kid is only going to blow that to the moon, no mars, maybe pluto. The 3 will work fine. The wrx has done fine

mazda616 > OPPOsaurus WRX 09/26/2015 at 18:44

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What’s funny is my anxiety never focuses on actual situations, at least not normally. It’s normally just a turmoil of thoughts in my head.

Punk_Girl_98 > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:45

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(See. James Hetfield’s childhood) This can be your chance to start a new path for you family history. I have confidence in you. As a team, you and your wife will conquer the fear and succeed.

Ike > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:49

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As a relatively new dad,(8 months lil girl) I have to say it’s different then you think it’s going to feel. It doesn’t matter what you are and aren’t capable of, as long as your willing to learn and get better for the sake of the child, you’ll be a great dad.

The sign of a person who is gonna be a good parent is if they worry if they are up to the challenge. The ripe who thinks its gonna be a cake walk or just knows they will be great are the ones who are aweful.

A wise person once told me, if you have a girl be the man you want her to marry and if you have a boy, be a good man and they will be too.

Being there for the child is job one, being level headed and understanding what the child needs Is job 2.

Finally if you don’t think you feel like man enough to have a child. That means you know how much you don’t know, so your still willing to learn, which is best type of dad to have, we all have our insecurities, don’t let them stop you from a great and wonderful journey and bringing wonderful little person in this world.

To make you feel at ease about emotions and little girls, I don’t really know how to express myself, so I’m working with my wife and on my own though reading or podcast (Adam and drew show) to express better and be a better dad for my little girl. I’m sure you have a great wife, let her help you if you feel unsure about anything.

Sorry rambled a bit, but hope I helped

Toby F., Manager > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:51

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I currently don’t have the time to elaborate longer nor do I necesarily have the qualifications to give such advice, but maybe, just maybe having a child will be another blessing (in disguise; aside from creating a life itself) in that, having a child may allow you (and your wife/family) to grow spirtually, physically, and emotionally. Sure, it may be terrifying from time to time, spark various emotions and attitudes — especially through the process and first few years, but I think it’s possible and worth it when you believe it’s the right time to have one (or more). Having a child will definetly be a life changing experience for all, but having a child as I’ve witnessed can also “teach” and allow you to grow, feel, understand, etc what it is you want to become (imaginable and unimaginable; consciouly and subconciously), and resolve the things you are fearful of.

Of course this is just my opinion and you are free to choose and dismiss it; but as one who’s recovering and growing from his own anxieties, I’ve become a proponent of admiring the “blessings” [in disguises] which have helped shape and mature me into who/what I’m growing into these days.

With whatever your choices are, I wish you and your wife truly the best throughout.

OPPOsaurus WRX > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 18:52

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I would say I have anxiety disorder but lately i’ve been going nuts. New stressful job kid wife wants another baby and a new house, testing for architectural liscence and contractors liscence. Maybe it’s more stress than anxiety. Well probably a lot of both

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 19:04

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I know just how you feel, I was in the same boat about 6 months ago when we found out my wife is pregnant. I’m a little older than you (31, wife is 29), but I’ve thought the same thing...what if I’m not a good dad, how do I raise a kid. Hell, I’ve even wondered what happens if I have a kid and I HATE it. What the hell do I do then?

So I did what I always do and I stopped worrying about it. I sold my Jaguar, replaced it with a cheap Mustang, and used the leftover money to do some home renovations to get ready for the baby.

My only real useful advice is that with what you’re going through right now, that goes away once you know she’s pregnant and you can get on with business. We were kinda half trying (she was trying, I wasn’t) to get pregnant, and I was really worried about it until it happened, then I got excited about it. I’ve only got three months until the last bastard’s due date and there’s a ton of shit to do, but I’m not worried about the real stuff about the kid...more about getting the house ready for the kid (and getting the Mustang put back together).

I would say, however, not to rush it. You guys are young, maybe take another year, travel, do some stuff that you won’t be able to do when the baby shows up.

TheRealBicycleBuck > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 19:22

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There are many points in your life where it will take a turn and everything will change. Most of these are relatively minor-graduation, college, getting married. Nothing will prepare you for the change in your life that comes with your first child. If you are a decent human being that cares even a little about others, that child’s effect on you will be profound. Nothing can compare.

My own experiences with my terrible family shaped me to be a better human being. Just remember that while you may not choose how you feel, you can always choose how you behave.

Having children isn’t all caviar dreams and champagne wishes. It’s hard work. You don’t have to be a perfect dad. Just be there and pay attention to your kids.

As long as you remember these things, it will all turn out fine.

mazda616 > That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms 09/26/2015 at 19:24

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Good advice. Thank you!

We have travelled a lot and done quite a bit of things (going to concerts, random drives, etc.) that we wouldn't have been able to do with a kid. I think at this point we have done all that we care to do, haha.

Cash Rewards > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 19:59

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Anything anyone tells you about how hard it is to be a parent his tough the first three months are, how difficult it can be, is probably right. But I got a two year old little girl and I wouldn’t give her up for the world. I had no idea of what I’d do with a girl, but you figure it out. The difficulty and stress of kids are real, but the joy outweighs jt. Easily

Tom McParland > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 20:00

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I’m a proud father of two. My son just turned 3 and my daughter is 4 months old. I will say it is an awesome adventure.

Also, the fact that you are worried about being a good dad means that you will most likely be a great dad. You aren’t going to be perfect and you will make mistakes. Boy have I made plenty. But if you love your kids and do the best you can they will be just fine no matter what.

I will give you one tip. If and when you decide to have children, make sure you and the wife make some time for yourselves. It could be a once a month date night or just an hour or two after the kids are in bed to really connect and enjoy each other’s company. It can be real easy to be totally focused on the kids (especially when you have two). But finding that time to stay connected will be better for your and your little ones.

Nibby > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 20:01

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If you have a child and need any babysitting services, I am good with kids.

I promise to educate your future child(ren) and teach them how to #KeepOppoWeird

BJ > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 20:11

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1. Being a man is being what you want to be as man. If that means playing sports, showing off your chest hair, dressing in Harley Davidson t-shirts, or NONE OF THE ABOVE - good! You’re doing it right when it feels like you.

Do not define yourself by the ideas of others. Dress how you like, be how you want to be, and don’t let money be your measure of success.

2. Your family past is unfortunate. As others have said, this does not define you as a person. Understand the mistakes others have made and do differently.

3. You are doing well to seek help for your GAD. Continue. Talking therapy may be helpful, and you should consider getting professional assistance.

4. Having kids is difficult. It’s scary, it’s confusing, it’s time-consuming. And it’s amazing. You create life, and you will make a tiny bawling mess of flesh into a self-sufficient human that will make a positive contribution to society. When you’re gone, you live on throught them. It’s not immortality, but it’s special.

As a parent you will make mistakes. Accept this and you will learn to be a good parent. Seek advice but do what is right for you and your child.

I have three kids aged 1, 4 and 7 and I’m exhausted. But when I see them learn to eat with a spoon, to dress themselves, to walk and run, to ride a bike and to read and write, it’s so incredibly rewarding.

And one final note: You will never be ready for kids. You are young and can afford to wait to feel more ready, but one day you’re going to have to decide to jump off that cliff or to turn away.

Chairman Kaga > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 20:18

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Every human who has thoughts of procreating has moment of self-doubt. I’ve never felt more fulfilled as I have since our kids came along. Your life will change - and not just your ability to play video games or hang out with friends or decide on a whim to stay out until 2 am on a Friday - but your outlook on life. For me, so much of my cynicism about society was flushed so that I could focus on raising human beings who will be an asset to our species. Even if my career or anything I’m known for is now secondary, if in 20 years someone says “Your parents did a hell of a job,” then that’s all I need. Ya know?

But if your doubts are fundamentally about your desire for children and less your ability to do the job, then wait. I was 36 when we had our first and I KNOW I’m a better father now than I would have been 10 years prior.

RallyWrench > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 20:43

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My 2-month old is asleep on me right now, as my 3 year old dances to Sesame Street. This is a great moment in fatherhood. But i also got 3 hours of sleep each of the last 3 nights and missed my shot to go to Rennsport Reunion with the 3yo today because this morning didn’t go as hoped . Kids mean compromise, so be prepared for that. The newborn phase is unbelievably difficult and stressful, but it gets better. By 1 year you’ll be having so much fun that you’ll start thinking about another.

Don’t worry about boy or girl, or if you’ll teach them well. Be open and honest with them, read to them, laugh a lot, share your knowledge, and encourage their interests without pushing your own.

Kids are simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. Don’t rush, go into it with an open mind, infinite patience, and as much self awareness as you can muster and you’ll be ok. I will say though that Colic totally sucks. Fair warning.

yitznewton > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 20:57

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Wow, great question! I have five kids. Here’s my take...

If you honestly size up how you feel about yourself, do you feel like you’re a good person? Like you know what it means for you, yourself, to make a positive contribution to the world? I think that’s the fundamental need in a parent. Don’t get hung up on helping a son “be a man” or whatever... the less you are hung up on fitting some role or other IMO, the better and stronger you and your kids will be, in the end. Yeah, they might appear to fit in better and get less flak than if they join some social niche, but then the hell is the dissonance between who you really are and who you’re pretending to be. It’s OK for boys to play with Barbies, etc. etc.

Your awareness of emotions being overwhelming is itself a good sign. I bet you will be more willing to enter a dialog with your kids and explore together.

What I will say as a caution is, if you think there is something specific about parenthood that will exceed your capacities, that might be cause for concern. It’s not clear from your post whether you think your anxieties would really get worse with parenthood, or it’s just playing out in the expectations. For me, my current understanding is that my fourth and fifth kids were a mistake. The way my parenting rubber hits the road, so to speak, is very different with one or two of my kids than with all together, and I think I’m much more effective with fewer. Having five exceeds my capacity to be effective. If you can make an objective assessment like that up front, you might be more confident if you decide to go forward.

Good luck man!

scoob > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 21:02

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I’m not a dad and I’m just 19, so take what you will with this, lol.

Going on from what Tom said, the worst kind of dad is the dad that doesn’t care about being a dad. Obviously, you do care about being a dad. You care so much that you care about being a dad even though you’re not even a dad yet. If you ask me, I think that speaks volumes about the kind of dad you could be.

Unlike other people my age having sex without condoms/birth control, etc etc.

And don’t let Nibby babysit your kids.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > mazda616 09/26/2015 at 22:29

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I have three kids, my first at 26. I will say this:

If you wait until you are 100% ready, you will wait too long. One reason is you don’t know what to be ready for. No offense, and not trying to raise your anxiety, in fact just the opposite. Keep reading.

There is nothing in life that prepares you for parenthood. You think you understand love, affection, protection, all that. Especially after being married, you think, “Wow, I could never love and care for someone more than my wife.” And to an extent that’s true. But then you have kids, and the first time you hold your child, the first time that child is in your arms and you see their face, you feel it. You will slave your life away so that that kid can have every opportunity you can give them.

I learned to be a good manager despite having had mostly terrible and abusive ones. What does that mean for fatherhood? Succession does not mean replication. You becoming a father doesn’t make you your father. Luke didn’t become Vader.

So my advice is this. Make sure you are in a good place with your anxiety, and when you are, take on the most rewarding challenge you can ever experience.

DO NOT HAVE KIDS TO APPEASE YOUR WIFE, if you are not ready because you will flip out and do something stupid, talk to her about it. You’re partners in this. The fact that it makes you nervous means you understand how life-changing it is, that’s good. Work through your anxiety and then talk it over with your wife.

It’s totally worth it though.

Rico > PotbellyJoe and 42 others 09/27/2015 at 03:24

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DO NOT HAVE KIDS TO APPEASE YOUR WIFE

And her tying it to his wanting a new car is not cool at all. That just wouldn't fly for me.

orcim > mazda616 09/27/2015 at 05:05

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I think you’ve gotten a lot of great things to read from the dad’s on this blog. I won’t repeat those.

I’m a dad of of a 22, 19 and 13 year old boys. Been there, done that on some level, but I absolutely understand your question - and the fact that you’re asking it (in my experience) means it’s gonna be ok. Just a couple more points I didn’t see.

- You’ve got, what, 1M years of genetic evolution for dad-ness somewhere inside you? Guess what, if you can get out of your own way, you’re gonna be fine. And the fact that you’ve already received the master teacher course of how Not To Be A Dad from your own history means you’re already into the advanced “good dad” status realm. Immediate history almost never defines a person unless they don’t question it. And that’s not you.

- That future kid you’re thinking about comes into the world fully formed on some level. Every single one of them has their own spirit, drive, intellect (not so much initially), and personality. Parenting, in my mind, is the art of adaption and flexibility on the parent’s part - not making a child conform to some outdated pattern that doesn’t include them in the equation. You’ll be challenged and stressed, but I shit you not that when you find that sweet spot in what you do and their behavior (and trying is all that’s required, not finding “the spot”) you’ll have the biggest high you’ve ever had. You can do this.

- Do Not Assume You Aren’t Doing Your [dad] Job. Just doing what you do is enough with kids as it turns out. (And if you do bad things, then that’s what they’ll do to. But if you [like many posts here] feel as if you’re a passable man, then you’re golden.)

I got flummoxed in 2000, lost everything except my land. No credit, shitty jobs, not even a retirement account survived. So, I started doing what I needed to do to survive. One of those things was fixing cars. My young boys would watch me sometimes (but most times not) and if I made a specific request for help, they’d help. So after 12 years I didn’t think they had anything for cars. Until they got their own.

And then - they became monsters. Not because they knew what they were doing, but because they had gotten used to seeing me do stuff and, I dunno, patterned on the fact that if dad could do it, so can they. Now I’ve got to keep up with a BMW E46 and a Mercedes E400 because that’s what the older guys are driving. Their friends ask them for help on their cars (and they use my tools - but they always get put back.)

So - be afraid. It’s normal. Understandable and to some extent, you aren’t freaked enough if you knew the reality. But understand that every ancestor you have, and every father on this site, has done the same thing in one way or another. It’s just your turn in the barrel. Have fun!! (And it *is* fun.)

Hope that helps.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > Rico 09/27/2015 at 07:20

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To boot, we did up to two kids while I was driving a tC and my wife had a Vibe. Small cars can baby.

John Norris (AngryDrifter) > mazda616 09/27/2015 at 13:21

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“ My wife even said I could have the new Mazda6 I’ve been drooling over if I agree to start trying to have a child. ”

Seriously? Not a good reason to have kids. But there are a couple thousand good reasons. Go ahead. And just be a great Dad and Husband in the process.

Regarding the car, 4 doors are not enough. You need big, even if you stop at one kid. Especially when they are small. You can always get the weekend/track car later as funds and opportunity follows. Be the great Dad and Husband and the recreational car stuff shall follow.

mazda616 > John Norris (AngryDrifter) 09/27/2015 at 13:48

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That was just a joke. :) We both laughed about it.

We were considering a newer car for me anyway, as I'm seeing a significant increase in income now. And we have no debt aside from a mortgage.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > mazda616 09/28/2015 at 23:33

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My first suggestion would be if you don’t want to have a child now, DON’T have a child now. It’s okay to wait for when you’re ready and it’s okay to feel the way you do based on your life. Your doubts are pretty common, and typical, as it turns out many many many people do not come from stable households but do just great as adults such as yourself. I think you’ll feel more planted in your decision to have one once you mull it over for a while (while = months/years here), and further the stability in your career and thus better outlook for your wife an potential child.

I just thought I’d reply because I think I’m the only person on this post that is married but does not have children.